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Noel Edmonds for President

Dec. 30th, 2014 - 22:26 2014 Review - One Year in Glasgow

It's time to see what I can do,
To test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me,
I'm free!


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Dec. 21st, 2014 - 20:48 2015 Predictions

January

After unsuccessfully trying to start a riot after the referendum, a group of Rangers casuals turn up at a series of locations across Scotland to try and finish the job. The sectarian bigots invade a number of high-profile and patriotic places, including the film set of Balamory, a field of sheep in Barra and a Burns Supper hosted by Dougie Vipond. On each occasion the locals burst out laughing, and after some minor scuffles and multiple arrests the group are forced to retreat. The brutish casuals eventually form a global search for a city that will take their riot threats seriously. Ross Kemp and a cameraman pledge unlimited funding to the scheme.

The man behind the iconic speech at the Commonwealth Games Closing Ceremony, Prince Imran, suddenly remembers that he forgot to thank some dignitaries, and rushes back to Glasgow in his private jet. Upon arriving at a dank and sodden Hampden Park, the Malaysian Prince interrupts a Queens Park vs. Arbroath League 2 fixture to climb atop a lectern at the side, and begins reading from a 28-page list of Commonwealth officials and executives. Spotting the crowd getting slightly restless, he laughs and thinks to himself: “Don’t worry: I’ll get them with the ‘Pure Dead Brilliant’ line.”

February

The producers of Top Gear are forced to make a grovelling apology after the presenters cause an international incident during filming in Germany. Enraged locals chase Richard Hammond down the Autobahn South of Berlin after he reveals the number-plate, “I945 LOL”. Jeremy Clarkson explains in his weekly newspaper column in Die Welt that, “it was all just an old-fashioned misunderstanding”, and, “we certainly hope the humourless old Krauts didn’t take offence.”

Kim Kardashian’s next attempt to Break The Internet is her most audacious yet, as the socialite unleashes a raft of viruses and Trojan horses through BitTorrent. Kardashian then goes on the run, as President Obama promises to personally find and catch the reality star “to reassure the folks at home”. A group of sectarian bigots attempt to start a riot after the big screen in Times Square cuts off in the middle of ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’, but fail.

March

Wigan chairman Dave Whelan attempts to draw a line under the racism/sexism/homophobia storm surrounding manager Malky Mackay by finding him a Thai bride. Whelan embarks on a scouting mission to South-East Asia, noting at a press conference at Manchester Airport that “the vast majority of my close friends and family are from Thailand. Thousands, in fact”. Mackay remarks that the Bangkok bride chosen by Whelan “hopefully won’t be one of those…hehe, eh, you know…”

French President Francois Hollande attempts to re-energise his country’s economy by launching a Parisian version of the smash hit game Angry Birds. The game, tentatively titled Les Volailles des Furieux, sees a range of French poultry thrown into famous landmarks like the Arc de Triomphe and the massive pyramid outside the Louvre. The Eiffel Tower level is particularly popular due to its long slender shape, but Les Volailles des Furieux encounters problems when online fugitive Kim Kardashian hacks into it. At a press conference at Disneyland Paris, Presidents Hollande and Obama threaten to bring Kardashian to “terminal justice”, once they’ve finished with the Space Mountain 2 ride.

April

Prince Imran’s speech continues at Hampden, with the Prince beginning a detailed breakdown of the best insurance options available for small and medium enterprises in an increasingly diversifying yet stagnant globalised marketplace. A “WE WANT KYLIE” chant starts, forcing the Prince to stand closer to the microphone to drown out the noise. “Never mind”, he chuckles to himself, “It'll all be worth it for ’Pure Dead Brilliant'.”

With the relentless pressure of the referendum over, ex-First Minister Alex Salmond finally relaxes and unwinds by reinventing himself as ‘Rogue Salmond’, a carefree rebel without a cause who can strike at any moment. The shocking change of gimmick sees Salmond hiding behind a podium at an Iain Duncan Smith speech to launch his new ‘Spare Cage Tax’ for hamsters. Catching IDS unaware, Rogue Salmond floors him with his patented finishing manoeuvre, the SKO. Dermot Murnaghan remarks on Sky News that the SKO came “from outta nowhere”.

May

The makers of Top Gear are chased out of the Amazon jungle in Brazil by fearsome tribesmen while filming a “Canoe vs. Car Race”. The controversy seems to centre around the number-plate of James May’s car, “Z014 GER”, which is taken by the locals as a subtle reference to Brazil’s 7-1 demolition by Germany at the World Cup. Writing in his weekly newspaper column in Jornal O Globo, Jeremy Clarkson remarks that “it was a lot of fuss over nothing really”, and that the Brazilians “are extremely nice people, when they’re not attacking you with spears and building favelas around you.” David Luiz and Neymar break down in floods of tears when their drag race on Copacabana Beach is cut from the final edit.

In a drive-by raid at Harthill Services, Kim Kardashian successfully steals the entire Internet from an unsuspecting Sky deliveryman. Kardashian drives off West on the M8 towards Bellshill, with Police Scotland and a crazed Nicola Sturgeon in pursuit. The police attempt to launch a Twitter campaign to #FindOurInternet, before realising no-one will be able to read it, and following up with “LOLZ woops!”

June

The cultural phenomenon of Frozen is taken to a new level when a British sequel is announced. Frozen Aisle features all your favourite stars from UK supermarket adverts, including Kerry Katona, Alan Hansen and Lulu, revealing their secret power to freeze McCain Oven Chips and ready-made Chicken Kormas for up to 18 months. Take That provide the soundtrack, while Hansen’s stirring rendition of Let It Go Pt. II (Shocking Defending) leaves Lulu weak and cold at the knees. A brief cameo by Dale Winton is understood by no-one over the age of 32.

The Queen receives a telegram confirming that the Internet has been stolen, and expresses her “sincerest regret” at the incident. Her Majesty teams up with David Cameron to record a ‘Spirit of the Blitz’ radio message, urging the people of Britain to stay warm, buy extra supplies if necessary and keep the wireless on for further bulletins. The signal cuts off mid-message, causing a group of sectarian bigots to try and start a riot in Dixons, unsuccessfully. Meanwhile, Kardashian poses for a selfie with the whole Internet spread-eagled in the back of her car, but is stunned when no-one even likes it on Instagram.

July

Jim Murphy shocks the people of Helensburgh by opening a new sandwich shop in the town’s high street, Nuclear Sub-Way. The pro-war visionary organises a grand opening, with all sandwiches designed in the shape of deadly submarines and cruise missiles. A Freedom Of Information request by Wings Over Scotland reveals that the weaponry-themed restaurant will create a grand total of nine part-time positions, although an indignant Murphy insists that the shop will actually bring 18,000 jobs to the town. Nuclear Sub-Way is eventually forced to close, after a dramatic incident when a toxic leak of Chipotle Southwest Sauce escapes through the fan extractor and heads east towards Dumbarton.

With the Internet still missing, everyone is forced to watch Prince Imran’s speech on BBC One, with the charismatic enigma moving on to discuss various mortgage options and permutations to an increasingly numbed crowd. The audience, now suffering from severe sunstroke, believe the big punchline might finally arrive when the Prince builds up to a crescendo by saying, “What we need is to create clear and PURE DEAD-lines on making mortgages work for everyone.” The crowd give an exasperated collective sigh, before going back to playing Les Volailles des Furieux on their phones. “Don’t worry”, he thinks to himself, “It’s coming. They know it’s coming.”

August

Faced with the realisation that his career has reached its creative zenith, Pitbull takes drastic action to stay relevant, dramatically swapping jobs with Michael Palin. A travel documentary is filmed (“Mr. Worldwide Goes Pole to Pole”), featuring the hairless maniac travelling through Mongolia and Uzbekistan in a rickety old camper-van with the intent to “bring the international party up in here.” Meanwhile, Palin records a string of sultry summer hits with J-Lo, such as “Jolly Good Time on the Dancefloor” and “Gosh The Temperature Is Rising (Wouldn’t You Say)”.

Match of the Day returns to TV screens (but not iPlayer, since Kim Kardashian stole the Internet), with Gary Lineker presenting a series of clashes in HD, 3D, 4D and virtual reality. The highlight is a pitch invasion at the Chelsea vs. Wigan clash by Rogue Salmond, who floors all 22 players, the referee, Jose Mourinho and Malky Mackay with SKOs. Mackay resigns after the incident to focus on his Thai wedding. An enraged Alan Shearer speculates that “every one of them was a dive”, while Mark Lawrenson notes that each and every SKO came “from outta nowhere”.

September

Prince Imran’s speech continues at an increasingly windswept and stormy Hampden Park, with the Prince deconstructing the finer details of quantum physics, a fundamental branch of science that deals with physical phenomena at nanoscopic scales where the action is on the order of the Planck constant. A group of sectarian bigots invade the pitch and attempt to start a riot, but fall asleep halfway through. “Don’t worry”, thinks Prince Imran, “I’ll wake them up with ‘Pure Dead Brilliant’.”

The year's big craze is for people to throw buckets filled with Nandos meals all over themselves. The Nandos Bucket Challenge, to raise awareness of hiccups, proves to be a smash hit, with global stars such as Rihanna, Kim Jong-un and Runrig filling buckets with peri-peri chicken wings and garlic bread. With ‘Steal The Internet’ still underway, no-one is able to upload or watch any of the videos on Facebook, so crowds of people are forced to gather at local libraries and watch the clips on overhead projectors nicked from schools. The craze suddenly becomes a bit uncool when Bono secretly leaves a free copy of U2’s new album Songs Of Innocence at the bottom of every bucket, leading a devious Vince Cable to fill Bono’s bucket with broccoli.

October

Prince Imran’s speech continues relentlessly, with hot topics including the mis-selling of PPI, anti-asbestos legislation in Bedfordshire and cricket. A reluctant Ally McCoist begrudgingly offers to take the speech from here, as “I suppose someone has to”, but is spurned by the Prince. Rogue Salmond even turns up with an SKO, that commentator Huw Edwards says came “from outta nowhere”, but still the speech goes on. “It’s fine”, ponders the Prince, “‘Pure Dead Brilliant’. Just wait for it.”

Dave Whelan organises a special stag do for Malky Mackay before his Thai wedding, and invites along a host of Premier League managers for the occasion. Arsene Wenger causes embarrassment by admiring the “determination and commitment” of the stripper, while Big Sam Allardyce and Harry Redknapp go beyond the pale by handcuffing a topless Mackay to the goalpost at the JJB Stadium. The crisis is averted when a drunken Alan Pardew headbutts the goalpost until it snaps in two. Vincent Tan records the whole thing for posterity from the director’s box, because he can.

November

Kim Kardashian’s plot to Steal The Internet reaches its dramatic conclusion when Mrs. Kanye West sneaks her car onboard the Troon-Larne ferry. After evading detection on the high-speed catamaran (with the police distracted by a group of sectarian bigots unsuccessfully trying to crash the boat), Kardashian speeds across the UK-Ireland border towards Dublin. Looking in her wing mirror, she spots a car with the numberplate “I690 WATP”, immediately identifying it as the presenters of Top Gear.

After dashing into the local post office to pick up web-theft instructions from Kim Jong-un, Kardashian swerves the car round and dashes back to Northern Ireland, eventually bringing the car to a skidding halt and jumping out over the rocks at Giant’s Causeway. The maniacal celebrity is finally stopped in her tracks by a vicious mid-air SKO by Rogue Salmond, as commentators remark that the finishing move came “from outta nowhere!” In his weekly newspaper column in The Irish Independent, a shaken Jeremy Clarkson quips that, “I’m just glad no-one attached explosives to the underside of the car, for a change.”

December

With the Internet saved, the wedding of Malky Mackay and his Thai bride attracts a whopping 1.3 billion views on a live YouTube feed. The best man’s speech has the audience rolling in the aisles, as Dave Whelan reads the entire contents of Mackay’s ‘Sent Items’ folder to prove he has never texted anything racist about the people of Thailand. Ugly scenes mar the reception, however, with Steven Gerrard punching the DJ for refusing to play “Jolly Good Time on the Dancefloor”, Luis Suarez biting the entire team of bridesmaids, Owen Coyle turning the music down and Alan Pardew accidentally headbutting the mother of the bride 17 times.

It’s Christmas Eve. Hampden Park is now frozen. Emergency services are attending to 50,000 speech-goers for hypothermia. Alan Hansen is waiting in the wings to come on for his wintery rendition of Let It Go Pt. II (Shocking Defending), but Prince Imran orders him to wait a little longer. Peering up into the night sky, the Malaysian Prince sees a sleigh flying across the snowy Cathcart sky, led by a bearded man and a platoon of reindeer, and decides to finally wrap things up.

“Ladies and gentlemen, it has been an honour, what can I say but…what’s that? I’ve forgotten the punchline…hang on a minute…ah yes, got it – BILLY!!! BILLY!!! BILLY F*****G JOEL!!!!!!!”

HAPPY NEW YEAR

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