Noel Edmonds for President

Shine a light through an open door
Love and life I will divide
Turn away cause I need you more
Feel the heartbeat in my mind

It's the way I'm feeling
I just can't deny
But I've gotta let it go

We found love in a hopeless place

Back in April, I took a trip to Luss for a rather epic hillwalk across four Grahams (technically they're small mountains, although that might be pushing it) to the west of Loch Lomond. I had attempted these ones last October but Bawbag-esque weather had chased me and a friend back down the hillside. This time the clouds cleared away, the sun came out and fate smiled on me. The views were magnifcent, and as I sat on top of the last summit, I could have been forgiven for thinking that all was perfect. Naturally, of course, it wasn't. My start to the year had been down there with the lowest moments of the Postgrad Year, and I was starting to feel like things might never improve. My spirit was broken; I was torn between sticking it out in Glasgow or fleeing for London in a state of bewilderment. I was lost. It was all I could do to go climbing some mountains (sorry, big hills) for a bit of escapism, but it couldn't solve the wider problem of what to do with myself.

Fast forward five months, and I was walking on the west side of the Loch again, but this time in somewhat different conditions. The wind was howling, the rain was pelting it down and my hands felt colder than a North African dictator's policies. However, much like North African dictators, my problems were falling away instantaneously. My job started to settle down with a permanent contract, I sorted out the weed from the chaff, if you will (certainly flatmate-wise) and was overjoyed to hear that I would be an uncle soon. But crucially, and quite unfathomably to me, three weeks before this hillwalk, I met an incredible lady. I had all but written off my chances of finding something like this in Glasgow, and in truth was just hanging about in what I believed to be the last throes of my time here. The last place I would have expected this joy to blossom in would be Dennistoun. I guess in that sense, I found love in a hopeless place.



































































After a hurricane comes a rainbow
















I always used to post on these things that nothing was impossible, keep believing in your dreams etc. etc. and hoping that they would have a positive feel to them. But the truth is that I always felt like there was a question mark hanging over me. That question mark has finally been straightened to a full-height exclamation mark, and I feel so happy I could hardly describe it. Perhaps now, I can start to enjoy myself a little more. Because for the first time ever, I have someone to share the joy with.



I'm on the edge of glory
And I'm hanging on a moment with you
I'm on the edge with you

Happy New Year. See you in 2012.

January

• Britain’s relationship with Europe sinks to an all-time low when the EU votes unanimously to deport the UK. There are emotional scenes at Dover Port as Britain waves goodbye and exchanges numbers/Facebook details with its close neighbours of France and Belgium, before being towed away towards a mooring just off Newfoundland. Captain David Cameron remarks that “this is the best deal all round for Britain”, while dodging icebergs at the country’s Bridge. Northern Ireland becomes stuck on rocks near the Azores.

• In the Premier League, there is a solution to the dual race controversies as John Terry and Luis Suarez agree to racially abuse each other. The idea, the brainchild of visionary Fifa president Sepp Blatter, involves Suarez impersonating the Cockney wide-boy walk behind Terry at a corner kick. Sadly, Terry is not enlightened enough to know even one crude Uruguayan stereotype, so enlists the help of celebrity racist Jeremy Clarkson.

• With no phone or internet reception on the floating island, David Cameron writes a touching postcard to Brussels, weeping that “we miss you with all our hearts” and that “if the City of London is the beating heart of Europe, the Channel Tunnel is the oesophagus that sustains us”. With a team of delegates, Cameron swims to the nearest harbour to post his card, but unfortunately, that harbour is Boston. The locals have nasty flashbacks to the Siege of Boston, and pelt the Prime Minister with guns and knives. Back at the Bridge, Vice-Admiral George Osborne promises to steer the country on the path to recovery, literally.

• There is widespread controversy as News International journalists are accused of hacking into the phones of WikiLeaks executives. Julian Assange protests that “the privacy of a human being is a precious thing”, while preparing his next cable on the toilet habits of UN officials. Meanwhile, The Sun vigorously defends freedom of the press, vilifying Mr. Assange as a “vile and offensive dog who fails to understand British values”. Both the WikiLeaks website and the next editorial of The Times both declare that “Vince Cable knows”.

March

• As the floating British island shakes off the winter weather and docks near Nova Scotia, up in Scotland conditions struggle to improve. The main problem is a low pressure system sending regular gusts of up to 120mph through the air. After a swiftly moving debate on Twitter, the depression quickly becomes known as Hurricane Fud. Trees are uprooted from the ground and every football match is cancelled with immediate effect. Clarkson remarks that this makes “a visual improvement to that bloody place”.

• Amidst rising tensions at the continuing economic crisis and Britain’s deportation, Nick Clegg finally snaps and pulls the Liberal Democrats out of the ConDem coalition. The depleting crew of Lib Dem MP’s are last seen in a canoe heading back towards Europe, as Prime Minister Cameron promises to “steady the ship” with a no-nonsense, robust coalition partner. After weeks of consultation and Cabinet reshuffles, the Conservatives agree to welcome a series of guest collaborators into the coalition on a trial basis. First up, naturally, is Rihanna.

April

• Winds intensify in Scotland as Hurricane Fud continues to batter the country. A gust of 200mph, a new UK record, is recorded on Ben Nevis, while Highland Games events turn into a farce as a caber is accidentally tossed four miles in one go. First Minister Alex Salmond releases a number of concerned-sounding statements, while secretly yelping with delight at the global press coverage for Scotland.

• With the first full month of the Con-Rihanna collaboration now over, Britain is now knee-deep in sado-masochistic chains and black eyeliner. Prime Minister Cameron notes that, while this spending spree has helped bolster the economic recovery, it is doing little to solve ‘Broken Britain’. He politely asks Rihanna to leave, replacing her with new Deputy Prime Minister David Guetta.

May

• The ghost of Kim Jong-Il rises from his grave and convenes a meeting with the spirits of fellow ex-dictators Saddam Hussein and Colonel Gaddafi. The trio realise that, while they each sought the expansion of their own nationalistic agendas, they were united by one key fact: they all died at the age of 69. The three quickly begin working on a new tyrannical project entitled ‘The 69 Club’. No-one quite knows what the work of this new group will entail, but when they land on the floating UK in the dead of night, they are inexplicably preoccupied by the whips and chains left behind by Rihanna.

• Photos circulate on Twitter of John Terry dressed as General Pinochet at a fancy dress party. “Close enough”, growls Clarkson.

• Hurricane Fud reaches ludicrous strengths, as winds of over 460mph are recorded in West Lothian and Fife. Cars can now reach their destinations without engines, provided they face a certain way. The backlog of football fixtures means that Rangers and Celtic face 15 games each in the space of four days. The SFA give Rangers the points automatically, while making Celtic play all their games back-to-back. Into the wind. Neil Lennon asks “how much longer this injustice can go on”, while Ally McCoist suggests that the SFA “made the right decision in difficult circumstances”.

• Following the success of the WikiLeaks cables in exposing fraud and corruption worldwide, Julian Assange launches a fresh attack on authority from his solitary confinement. PrestwickiLeaks aims to uncover injustice on a grand scale in the coastal Scottish town, from golfers fiddling their scorecards on the Back Nine to local councillors claiming Electric Bakery scones on their expenses. The provost of Troon Community Council chortles that “it’s really quite revealing”, from his third home in as many weeks.

July

• Euro 2012 is won by Germany after all countries with rubbish economies are expelled at the start of the tournament, leaving only them and Denmark. The Germans win a tense final when The 69 Club invade the pitch in injury time and distract the referee, allowing Hitler to throw sausages and beer at Nicklas Bendtner. Sepp Blatter causes controversy at the trophy presentation by suggesting that the Holocaust could be forgotten if the Nazis and Jews played a game of Fifa ’12 afterwards. Hitler replies by launching a passionate tirade proclaiming that “Pro Evo’s much better anyway”.

• In an attempt to lighten the mood in Fud-hit Scotland, the bus drivers of Stagecoach, FirstBus, Citylink and Megabus join forces to form a parody cheesy rock band. Entitled ‘10 Journey’, the group begin touring venues around the nation playing a wide array of hits, including the big summer smash hit, “Flexi And I Know It”. Unfortunately, record winds of 743mph push the tour bus up a mountain, where the entire pool of drivers is stuck indefinitely. Stagecoach refuse to apologise for any delays.

August

• The Con-Guetta era results in bizarre scenes, as grinning Conservative ministers with massive headphones are driven everywhere in shiny limousines by men in sunglasses, and are unable to give crucial policy announcements without stopping to spin an imaginary disc. Flo Rida delivers the Comprehensive Spending Review in the Commons, promising to “go all out on the night” in reducing the Budget Deficit. Alex Salmond points out that in an independent Scotland, none of this “tomfoolery” would occur, sensing an opportunity to take the nation to the polls.  The Daily Mail blame the ongoing deficit on Polish people and The Gays.

• The Olympic Games in London turn into a complete catastrophe, after it is revealed that the Olympic Stadium has actually been constructed by the company who built the trams in Edinburgh. The 100m becomes the 72.3m sprint after the completion date is repeatedly delayed, while the heptathlon is replaced by footage from Takeshi’s Castle. Thankfully, the light from the Olympic Flame allows construction work to continue through the night, as Mayor Boris Johnson promises to “showcase the Olympics you all dreamed of, in 2024”.

September

• As wind speeds push 1900mph in Campbeltown, breaking the speed of sound on the way, a group of right-wing Texas bloggers suggest that ‘The End Is Nigh’. They cite historical predictions of the Apocalypse in 2012, and install a Doomsday Clock on the side of the Houston Astrodome to count the days to December 21^st. Accusing Alex Salmond of “presiding over the end of the world”, they urge President Obama to nuke Scotland and end Hurricane Fud before it spirals out of control and destroys the planet. The wind is now so strong that all Scottish settlements are levitating around a central location in Perthshire.

• In England, the economy has started to recover after the dynamic policies of the Con-Minaj era. A relieved David Cameron turns his full focus to rebuilding bridges with Europe, inadvertently allowing further disenchantment to fester among the inner city populations. An argument in a street-side coffee shop over whether to watch Eggheads or Come Dine With Me suddenly erupts into full-scale violence, with tea and flapjacks flying in all directions. The riot is abruptly ended when a flying mountain from Scotland crashes through the window. Wind speeds have now topped 50,000mph up north.

October

• PrestwickiLeaks intensifies its search for Clydeside corruption by attacking the many celebrities originating from the world-famous metropolis. Julian Assange reveals that WWE wrestler Drew McIntyre’s real name is actually Drew Galloway, and that the McDonald Brothers wrote none of the songs they performed on The X Factor. He adds that James Forrest currently plays for a football team called Glasgow Celtic, who play in green and white hoops.

• With the Lib Dems keeping a low departure since scarpering from the Coalition, a Panorama investigation finds that Nick Clegg actually left the party in March. It transpires that his replacement is so ashamed at becoming leader of the Liberal Democrats that he filed a super-injunction to protect his anonymity. After a number of top-secret court cases, the name is eventually leaked in Brazil, and Ryan Giggs reluctantly admits to leading the party in a sordid episode for the last six months. Late-night policy discussions in swanky London hotels are leaked to the media, while opposition fans at the next Manchester derby even stoop as low as insulting Giggs with the derogatory chant, “You’re the Leader of the Liberal Democrats”.

November

• Fanatical preachers across the USA take to the streets with “End Is Nigh” placards and sandwich boards revealing that “Scotland’s Day Of Reckoning Is Coming”. Alex Salmond is disappointed to learn that the sandwich boards have nothing to do with the return of the 6” Reggae Reggae to the Subway menu. The winds of Hurricane Fud are now so strong that the eastern seaboard of America starts to congeal round the west coast of Scotland, while the floating British island is almost dislodged from its mooring. Fish now rule the sky, with winds reaching up to 638,000mph in some parts of Argyll & Bute.

• As one of the prerequisites of the Con-Pitbull era, all Government ministers have to wear a stupid white coat and dance around like a tit all day. David Cameron argues that the changes “will improve accountability in our country from the top down”. During his press conference, the historic winds from Hurricane Fud tear Scotland off from the rest of Britain. Hadrian’s Wall becomes a sea defence, while residents of Galashiels and Melrose go paddling in the Atlantic.

December

• Scotland careers around the Atlantic on a Pinball-like voyage of discovery, knocking into Morocco and bruising the coast of Brazil, before ending up on collision course with Antarctica. An emergency summit of the G20 determines that the world will end in 11 days unless Scotland’s route is changed. Alex Salmond is last seen scurrying into his office and preparing a mass printout of documents, presumed to be emergency survival instructions for the stricken population. Wind speeds in the Central Belt have now reached the speed of light at 671 million miles per hour. The clouds and land have now merged to become one. Bruce Willis attempts to fire an asteroid into the nation’s path, but to no avail.

21^st December 2012

• The day of reckoning is at hand. President Obama sends the might of the US Army to the South Atlantic to try and shoot Scotland, but the nation marches on. Kim Jong-Il breaks from filming The 69 Club to deploy all North Korean missiles, but in vain. The Conservatives form a ‘Rainbow Collaboration’ including the might of Beyoncé, Usher, Ne-Yo, Professor Green, Professor Robert Winston, Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin and Noah. The arsenals of NATO, the UN and even Iran unite to stop Scotland in its tracks, but it all proves to be mission impossible. The nation crashes Gretna-first into the ice of Antarctica, crushing the land mass instantly.

• The ice melts with alarming pace, flooding the entire Earth. All living species on the planet are wiped out with immediate effect, although Channel 5 claim the new series of Big Brother is still planned for January 2013. The last sign of life disappears when a group of Sherpas are drowned in the Himalayas, along with Gryff Rhys Jones, who took a wrong turn looking for a bothy in Snowdonia. The Apocalypse is complete: the World over; all life exterminated for good. The Earth, the sole abode of all known life in the Universe, ceases to exist in a meaningful form.

22^nd December 2012

• Word breaks on Twitter that Scotland won the independence referendum.